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Family by Design BLOG- Enjoying the Adoption Honeymoon

3/4/2013 3:17:00 PM

Enjoying the Adoption Honeymoon!

Well, for those of my followers that do not know, we were matched 3 weeks ago with a precious sibling group of 3. Yes, we are on cloud 9 and yes that will make 6 KIDS!!!!!!!!!

We have started visitations and preparations and loving every minute of it. Everything is new and exciting and fresh and the children seem to be adjusting quite well to the idea of becoming a part of our family. We are in the HONEYMOON stage.

I am well aware that this is how it usually goes (for some). I also know that next month and year will bring hard parenting decisions, difficult discussions, tantrums, more poop than any person should ever see and we will experience our share of time-outs. We will have to handle their feelings and past with delicate gloves.There will be sibling squabbles among the 6 kids after the newness of extra playmates wears off. There may be times when I hear "I don't like you anymore" or "You are not my mom" or "That's not fair". I'm ready for it all! Bring it on.

Most importantly there will be lots of cuddles, kisses and hugs! There will be memories made and experiences of a lifetime. There will be bonds built that cannot be broken. We will see, touch, feel and experience things together for the first time. We will be a FOREVER FAMILY!

WE ARE ENJOYING OUR HONEYMOON and we will enjoy everything that comes after it!

TOODLES!

Family by Design BLOG- What if Family & Friends Don't Support Your Decision to Adopt (AGAIN)?

2/24/2013 2:36:00 PM

What If Family & Friends Don't Support Your Decision to Adopt AGAIN ?

Our lives are filled with relationships. I have a favorite song that goes a little something like this:

People are called into your life, for many different reasons.

You may have a problem they can solve....or just bring you a spirit of joy.

There is a reason.

There is a season.

There is a lifetime.

Which one? Which one are you?

Most of us love our family. We have chosen the company of friends wisely. We have learned how to be cordial and work well in professional settings. Relationships are important. God created us for communication and relationship with HIM and with each other as His creation. The trouble comes when we make decisions in life that rock the boat of relationships that were once very strong and thriving. Reason. Season. Lifetime.

Your relationship could be rocky with a friend or family member because of a decision to move away although you know it is the right decision for you. Or maybe taking a job that your parents don't believe is a good fit for you, but you want to explore. For us, it was adopting AGAIN!

When we adopted our first 3 children in 2006 there was not a human being on the planet that was not ecstatic for us after all we had been through to become parents. They were as excited as we were to celebrate the new arrivals. Our 3 amigos have always been cherished by our closest family and friends. We always talked about adopting again in the "distant future" conversations but I think everyone thought we would "come to our senses" once we realize how much kids cost and how much work they are. We began to mention it more and more over the last year and actually started the process. Even then, it was not real to them. Well we got the call! 3 precious little ones will be joining our family. NOW the colors fly! Why can't you just adopt one more? Why does it have to be 3? Do you know what you are getting yourself into? Reason. Season. Lifetime.

We love many of the people that are not 100% on board with our "outrageous" plan to expand our family as we feel led x 3. We involve them in many areas of our lives. Family and friends that are supportive will be invited into this SEASON for that REASON. Others that are irritated or not willing to support will have to sit out this SEASON.

We have counted up the cost literally and figuratively and are moving full steam ahead. This is how I suggest you handle different kinds of relationships and comments if you are adopting/fostering and constantly get push back from those closest to you. I hope it helps :)

"Make Sure the Child is Perfect" Crew

This person only believes in perfection. They will say, "I don't want a drug baby!" or "Make sure you don't adopt a problem!" "Are they gonna pay you to take care of that child?" OK...Einstein! Every adoption involves loss and something unfortunate had to happen in order for that child to be available for adoption. Whether it is international, private or foster care, as a parent, you will have to love and lead your child with compassion and help them through that loss. For anyone that thinks that they are handing out babies with a specific eye color, skin color, IQ and promised future, THAT PERSON SHOULD NEVER consider adoption. No parent or child is perfect but there are perfect families that WORK well in the beauty of all their imperfections. Do not share intimate details of your adoption or child with this person. For God's sake, please do not let them catch you in a moment of weakness or complaining. Keep your distance. Give them teaching moment nuggets when possible.

"Anti-Adoption" Crew

This is the person that pays attention to all the sensationalism regarding adoption in the media and

incomplete horror stories in the past. They form their entire opinion of adoption and adopted children based on that. They are negative and cynical and make your family feel like the island of misfit toys in their presence. STAY AWAY and keep your children AWAY from this person.

"Worry Wart" Crew

What if there is something wrong with the new child? What are you doing? What about your other children? This person never gives you enough credit to have done your homework and decide what is best for your family. Their fears cause them to be anxious about something that does not directly affect them. It is best to stay positive, keep your distance and not share too many details of your new child's life or process with them. The last thing you need during this process is someone causing you to doubt yourself when you know this is God's direction for you and your family. Share teaching moment nuggets when possible.

"All Celebration & No Reality" Crew

This is the person who is "in love" with adoption so much that they don't see the work, loss and healing that has to take place in your child's life. They have an overly romanticized view of adoption and want to hail you as the next reigning Pope. These people are hard to deal with because you want to be nice and appreciate their celebration of your family, yet feel the need to constantly educate them about adoption; the awesome and messy parts. So be nice yet be real with this person. They will be VERY open to teaching moments.

"When is this going to STOP" Crew

They think you are trying to save the world or out to prove something. Or maybe you are trying to fill a void of some kind. ENOUGH ALREADY is their stance when it comes to your news to adopt AGAIN! You and your spouse know when your quiver is full and when you are "done". You know you are not doing it for show or that you believe you can save the world. That is what Jesus died for. I had someone call me Josephine Baker before. It was very offensive! Ms. Baker adopted to fill a void that she had because of the things she had suffered in her life. Was it wrong for her to adopt? I cannot say one way or the other. I do know that we have a vision for our family and we intend to pursue it regardless of the opinions of others. They MAY or MAY NOT be open to indirect teaching moments.

The world is beautiful and full of all kinds of people, personalities and ways of thinking. Choose who you want to take on this journey with you and who you should keep at arms length. It is your choice and wisdom is the principle thing for you and your children. Reason. Season. Lifetime.

Family by Design BLOG- Adopting AGAIN! How It Affects Everyone & Everything

2/24/2013 1:52:00 AM

Adopting AGAIN!

How It Affects Everyone & Everything

We have been preparing our kids for several years regarding the expansion of our family. For so long it was a far off, exciting thing. Expanding our family by 3 children affects EVERYTHING! The vehicle we had to buy, rearranging the rooms, storage space, schedules, home schooling, time, attention, finances, activity, noise....I could go on and on and on. All my daughter could talk about was finally having a sister. My youngest son could not wait to have someone to lead and teach things to. We talked and prayed about it together for at least 5 years. Now it is only weeks away before our new blessings come home. We are ecstatic, over joyed, restless and waiting!

Over the last week it has become more and more real to us all and the kids see us rearranging the house and buying new car seats and decorating rooms. Some very interesting things have occurred as well. Bringing 3 new children into our home has caused my 3 current children to revisit their own foster/adoption stories personally. A few with questions and another with tears. As they realize that the children that are joining our family have been separated from their birth family, it causes them to remember their own birth and adoption story and the sadness that goes with it.

What did I notice in my children? I noticed questions they had never asked. Attitudes come to light that I had never seen. Territorial behaviors increased. Some tears and anxious behaviors as well. Thankfully over the years we have allowed our children to talk, cry and ask questions regarding their stories without fear. They know as much of their story as they can handle at their level of understanding. We pray for their birth family and allow them to love them without limits. My heart cried out to God one day this week when one of my children came to me and told me they had a crack in their heart because their mommy who had them in her tummy could not care for them. I was hurting. Not because I was jealous of their desire and longing for her, but because I wanted to take away the pain. Isn't that what moms are supposed to do? Fix things, make them better? My child who came home at 2 months old had pain surrounding their adoption? YES!

I asked God to help me take away the pain they were feeling. Then I realized that I did not have the power or capacity to take away that pain. No matter how hard I try, I cannot wipe away that pain. BUT God can! Only He can fill voids, mend hearts, bring understanding and self-assurance. My job is to have compassion, love, honesty, transparency and POINT THEM TOWARD GOD in every trial they face in life. Whew! When I came to that realization and recognized my role, I was relieved and ready to do the work necessary to help my little one through this.

Some may say "if you are noticing this in your children, then why are you adopting again"? It is not a question whether this is the path for our family......that we know for sure. The real question is how do we help our children navigate this change and show them what will change for our family for the better. Also, how to show them what will ALWAYS remain the same such as our love, support, commitment and passion to see them thrive even as our family expands. As parents that is what we set out to do. It will be an adjustment for us all, but we are doing quite well!

So as we rearrange the house, put the extra leaf in the dining table and make room for 3 more blessings, mama is keeping a pulse on the family and the needs of those currently under foot. We are spending that extra time loving, supporting and celebrating them. We let them know daily that we have room in our heart for them and their new siblings and how important they are to us. As parents we will do our part to POINT THEM TO HIM IN ALL THINGS and we trust God will be faithful in doing His part as well!

Family by Design BLOG- What Is An Adoption/Foster Friendly Church

2/23/2013 6:55:00 PM

What is An Adoption/Foster Friendly Church?

This article has been months in the making. Last fall, I dabbled around with how I wanted to shed light on this subject in light of my own experience. At the time, I decided to hold off until I got the perspective of others, their experiences and the needs they feel are being met and those that are not. So I set off to gather information from several in-person and on-line groups of foster and adoptive families across the U.S. and came up with some of the most pressing needs of their families as part of a body of believers. First I will share my experience and then I will share what my research revealed is taking place in a lot of churches across our country regarding foster care and adoption.

If you follow my blog and radio program, you know much of my story, so I will not burden you with all of the details. For my new readers/listeners, I will share just enough for you to know my back ground.

After several miscarriages, my husband and I realized that our goal was to be parents and that pregnancy was only one of the ways we could accomplish this. We set out on the road toward adoption and our immediate family and friends were thrilled to see our dreams of parenthood coming to past. We had celebrations & showers to commemorate the upcoming occasion after we were matched with 2 beautiful children and later that year, their infant brother. We were now parents of 3 children! WOW!

At the time we had been part of a church for many years and had lots of people around us cheering us on.....until the children came home (cue the mystery music). Most people bring home one baby at once. We had 3 in a matter of months....2 walking (or should I say running) and a newborn. We were both elated and exhausted at the same time. Imagine my horror when I am told that my family does not qualify for the service extended to new biological mom's after birth. Our church had a department that focused on providing meals for moms a few weeks following birth. I was a proud part of this department. I LOVED doing this for new families! I DID NOT QUALIFY! No, I did not have to recover physically from labor, but should that have been the criteria? I never made a noise about it, but I must admit it hurt deeper than they ever could have realized. I had not 1, not 2 but 3 new kids in my home and I did not qualify because I did not give birth to them. I took it VERY personal. I continued to serve in this department and let it go. After a few more families in the church adopted, I began to notice that it was not personal at all. They did not qualify either. Rather than being a personal issue against me, I began to see it was more a perspective on adoption being a 2nd rate choice or a sub-family option. I also noticed that key leaders in the church that adopted were not even celebrated but other leaders who gave birth had the red carpet rolled out for them. I personally took on the role of celebrating these families because I knew what it felt like.

We remained in this church far more years than we should have simply because there were many good things about it. Over the years similar things happened that showed me that I was surrounded by people that did not get adoptive/foster family dynamics. They had no clue what made our family tick or operate differently than others. I remember taking my infant son to church for the first time and trying to find someone to take my place in a department so I could be with him. I had blank stares and confusion as to why I could not perform my duties that day. He was 2 months old, on a heart monitor and I had him in my care for 3 days at that point. I became irate with the person I was speaking with and said, "If you gave birth to a newborn 3 days ago, I would not expect you to be away from him." Light bulbs simply did not go off! I let it go and continued to serve. See a pattern here? The more and more I was involved the more and more difficult it became to juggle my previous commitments in the church. I was a minister and I was expected to have a higher level of involvement. Although other moms who had given birth were cleared to take as much time off as they needed, I was not. I took it anyway and the results became clear. I was not considered "reliable" anymore. This grew into resentment, depression and a host of other feelings. On top of these issues were the expectations that my children that have experienced trauma should develop and be perfect like everyone else's (no one is perfect). When an issue arrived that was related to their background, there was little compassion or understanding. This hurt immensely!

We are no longer at that church or even in the same city any more. I am thankful that I am a part of an awesome body of believers that value, support and nurture my family!

From my research and polls, there are different kinds of churches when it comes to the acceptance and support of foster/adoptive families.

"See, We are Saving the World" Congregation

You have the church that focuses their entire vision on missions and adoption. On Sunday it looks like a UN Summit as you glance across the congregation. Is there anything wrong with that? Not totally. At a desperate point in your life when you need help, the last thing you want to be is the "one who needed saving" unless we are talking about salvation through Jesus Christ. Everything is so focused on how wonderful these parents are for saving these poor, destitute children from all over the world that the actual needs and identity of the children is compromised. I call them the James 1:27 church. Though this scripture clearly states what we should do to support and visit the orphans & widows, this becomes a complete doctrine in this church. If you are not a foster or adoptive family in this church, you may feel a bit uncomfortable because they feel EVERYONE should do it.

"Indifferent" Congregation

This church could take or leave foster care or adoption. They have too many other things to focus on. If you are a member and you decide to do it, you may or may not have support. There are no special groups or supports built into the ministry so you will need to seek that outside of the church. There may be myths fostered by the congregation that children in foster care are damaged or somehow not as good as other children. This is not the kind of church that you need if you are looking for community, support and someone to understand the unique needs of an adoptive family.

"Open" Congregation

I love this church! This church is open. They don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing but are open to it. Willing to explore and provide what is needed as the growing need arises. They want to service the needs of their members in any way possible even if it has not been done there before.

"Supportive" Congregation

This is the well balanced congregation. Not only do they recognize that adoptive families have needs, they recognize seniors, special needs families, business professionals and more. They thrive off of supporting a wide variety of needs for their congregation. I am proud to say that I attend a church such as this.

HOW DO CHURCHES NURTURE THESE FAMILIES?

Myself and other adoptive families are not saying that every church should stop what they are doing and put all their money and efforts into foster care and adoption. I am saying that a balanced church recognizes the needs of their congregation, educates themselves on things that are unfamiliar such as adoption to better serve their people. Below are the TOP 5 things that adoptive families surveyed felt a supportive church has.

1 An adoption/foster friendly church has leaders that understand that adoptive families have unique needs and are willing to help support them. They may not have adopted or fostered themselves but they recognize that these families need to be nurtured in ways that biological families may not need.

2 An adoption/foster friendly church is a diverse body of believers that welcome families of other ethnic groups as part of their church family.

3 An adoption/foster friendly church educates children's workers and leaders on handling unique situations dealing with children who have experienced trauma so that the families are not left feeling misunderstood or alienated due to a child's struggles.

4 An adoption/foster friendly church recognizes adoptive families in the same way as they do biological families and extends the same love, nurturing and privileges to them as well. Families are not made to feel like their children are not good enough or "different" because they are adopted.

5 An adoption/foster friendly church supports adoptive families emotionally as they parent their children who are hurting and healing for years to come. This could be done through a church support group, materials or referrals.

The church has spoken! Or should I say the adoptive/foster families in our churches have spoken. Let the church say AMEN! If you want more information on starting an adoption & foster care group in your church (with the blessing & support of your pastor), here are a few resources!

"Launching an Orphans Ministry in Your Church" by Jason Weber

"Your Church and the Orphan" by Hope for Orphans

Family by Design BLOG- "Advocating for Your Child's Needs"

2/23/2013 4:57:00 PM

"Advocating for Your Child's Needs"

Super Man, Spider Man, Wonder Woman, Batman! They all have one thing in common. They are heroes! They come out of no where and save the day of people in distress. They save cities and protect the earth from doom at the hands of bad guys. As children, we all had our favorite super hero. This is exactly how our children look at us. Mom & Dad can make anything better, right?

Many children that have come from hard places have never had that advocacy, protection or assurance that someone is going to stand up for their needs and safety. They have spent a childhood afraid and vulnerable to the system and people that do not mean them well. They fall through the cracks everyday. As parents of children who's lives have been riddled with trauma and loss, we are responsible to be their biggest advocates in life.

Webster's Universal College Dictionary

Advocate- To support or urge by argument; recommend publicly. A person who speaks or writes on behalf of a cause or person. A person who pleads the case of another in the court of law.

Advocating for your child's needs can mean something different for every foster/adoptive family. It can mean medical, emotional, financial, spiritual, educational or legal needs. WE are that super hero. We would all like to believe that once they join our family that the extra need for counseling or advocacy is not needed. That could not be further from the truth. They may be in a secure, safe and loving home now with people that love and support them, but the trauma that has taken place can take years to overcome.

In order to advocate for your children's needs, you have to be vigilant and very observant of the clues that show that help is needed. Many times kids that have experienced a lot of trauma develop a high pain tolerance or may turn inward and hide their needs very well. Being in tune with them is very important to getting them the help that they need. If your child is having issues processing abuse and things that happened in their young life and it is manifesting in several ways that are self-destructive or can harm others....IT WON'T JUST GO AWAY! As a Christian, I advocate for prayer and spiritual intervention. Sometimes more is needed and you cannot be too proud to find a good counselor or team of people skilled in handling adoption/foster related trauma and loss.

No one is going to be more dogmatic about your child's needs being met than you. Don't wait for someone else to do it. Do your research and find the best medical professionals to handle and assist with special needs children. Advocate for IEP's and special plans to make sure your child has the best opportunity at an education that will maximize their potential, no matter their perceived limitations.

You cannot be afraid to rub people the wrong way or to climb the ladder of command to get things done for your child. THIS IS YOUR CHILD! Being passive will not get you where or what you want. I am not saying be rude or unruly; I am saying be aggressive, knowledgeable and persistent.

What happens when we advocate for our kids?

Have you ever been accused of something and someone stuck up for you with proof that you were innocent? Have you ever had a person use their power or position to assist you in a task that you could never accomplish on your own? You feel vindicated, protected and valued. That is what happens when we stand up for our kids and make sure that their needs are met. That finally someone cares about every need I have and will go to the end of the earth to make sure I have what I need to thrive. Your child's self-esteem will soar when they know that they have a force behind them that is unstoppable FOR THEM!

ADVOCATE!

Family by Design BLOG- Celebrating While They Are Grieving

1/29/2013 12:14:00 AM

Celebrating WHILE They Are Grieving

Older Child Adoption (4+ years)

EMPATHY

I called my kids in the room one morning to let them know more information about our upcoming adoptions. It has been 7 years since their adoptions and we are about to add to our family again x 3. We have gone back and forth and finally settled on what age group works best for our family and stage in life. I shared with the kids that the blessings that will soon join our family will probably be older than they were when they came home. I shared more about what that could mean. The longer they have been in foster care or without forever mom's and dad's that they have experienced some things that may make them sad to think about. I explained that even though we will be very excited to have them as part of our family forever, they may not always be happy in the beginning; because to become part of our family means they are leaving another family behind. Even though the family they are leaving behind was not a good situation for them, it can still make them sad. So I am trying to prepare my current children to be loving and understanding of their newest siblings feelings and be their to comfort. We are teaching them to help and not a hinder the healing process through empathy.

OUR FIRST 3 ADOPTIONS

I remember like it was yesterday. It was Jan 31, 2006. All the guests were filing in, eating, playing games and awaiting the arrival of 2 little ones to walk through the door at any minute. It was our shower/ adoption party to the tune of 75 people; friends and church members. After years of pregnancy loss and infertility, I was FINALLY going to be a mom to 2 gorgeous toddlers.

About an hour before the party ended their foster parents walked in with them, so everyone could meet the little ones. Everyone was so excited and just showered them with love and attention. They ate it up. At 2 & 3 years old, of course they loved the attention. We took pictures and relished in the newness of parenthood.

Now those children are 10 & 9 and the apple of my eye. We also have their little brother who is 6 years old who came home 6 months after they did at 2 months old. My thoughts of how that entire process should have gone has changed over the years. I was excited about being a mom, but it was not about me. It was about them. What did they need at the time? Did they know that the foster parents, who were the only parents they ever knew would be gone just 2 weeks later? Did they recognize that the rooms that were decorated and the toys that were all over the home they were visiting would be theirs 2 weeks later? Who were these people who I was told to call Momma Karla and Daddy Tom? Why am I being introduced and paraded in front of all these strangers? What is going on? Here I am celebrating their arrival as if their was no past, no feelings and no confusion in their little minds.

As the months and years went forward we have had to be very open, honest and give explanations for who their foster parents were versus bio parents versus us. We have been very open and have made sure they understand their history at each stage of life.

WHAT WOULD I DO DIFFERENT?

What would I have done differently? I would have waited to throw a huge shindig until the transition happening in their life was explained. No one ever told them that they would never see their foster parents again. They were completely bonded to them. No one ever told them that we would be their new parents. Between the foster parents and us, we orchestrated the whole thing without even discussing it on a toddler level. As the months went on, my daughter shared that she thought we took her from her foster parents or that her foster parents did not love her any more. Hearing her say this shows me that a simple 3 yo explanation could have kept her from dealing with this confusion in her little heart and mind. Even if they were 2 and 3 years old, this should have happened. I did not know better then...but I know better now.

FOLLOW THEIR LEAD

We are excited to welcome 3 more children into our home and our hearts! I will not allow my excitement to get in the way of what THEY NEED. I am not saying don't throw a shower or party. I am saying to FOLLOW THE CHILD'S LEAD! Help them to understand the transition first. Give them time to grieve what has happened in their short life. Many older children in foster care & orphanages are still holding on to the hope that there may possibly be a reunification with their biological families no matter how toxic the relationships may have been. You have got to realize that the adoption of the children closes that door permanently and shatters that hope. So even though they may be excited to have a new family and mesh well in their new environment, they need time to grieve "what could have been". Your celebrations can also be interpreted offensively by the child who feels you are celebrating their loss and the separation of their family. Obviously you want to make them feel welcome, loved and valued but, in the beginning a small family gathering is probably best.

Allow them to share their feelings and ask them to help you plan an event when they are ready. For some it may be in the beginning when they first come home. For others, a little time may need to pass. FOLLOW THEIR LEAD! I cannot say it enough!

Family by Design BLOG- A Love Letter to Adoptees from an Adoptive Mom who "Gets it"!

1/25/2013 5:40:00 PM

A Love Letter to Adoptees

by Karla Marie Williams

I am an adoptive mom to 3 great kids! I am also in the process of adopting 3 more children. I cannot imagine life without my kids. This is a love letter to all adoptees and foster children from adoptive parents and foster parents and a system that just did not have a clue. This love letter does not represent all adoptive parents. I am thankful that I have had great examples to help me navigate this journey with care.

I confess that I was clueless in the beginning as I welcomed you into our home. I had no idea what needs you would have surrounding adoption, identity, anger, resentment or sadness. All I knew was that I was so excited to be a mom that I had no idea that you needed more of me to help you understand what was going on and why you were feeling what you were feeling.

You are so incredibly precious to God! His original design for your life was not to be separated from your family, but to thrive where you were born. Through circumstances outside of your control due to the choices of others, that did not happen. I pray every question be answered and every hurt healed and that you live the destiny and purpose God created you to live without limits.

50 years ago, we lived in a world that was completely ignorant about how to handle the delicate issue of adoption. Young and unmarried mothers were forced to give you up because of the way that society felt about them. Adoptive parents were afraid to discuss adoption or even mention it as if it were something to be ashamed of. Any contact or desire to see your birth family was discouraged and swept under the rug. Today we have so many of you angry, feeling betrayal and bitterness to the weight of that system on your shoulders and the ignorance of your parents to lift the burden. I'm sorry if this was your story. We just didn't have a clue.

Thankfully today we live in a much more enlightened society that understands your need for biological connection, healing and a voice. I want more than anything for you to be heard. Why? This will ensure that children & their parents today can benefit from your wisdom and story and not make the same mistakes we made for so many years.

For those of you who have endured abuse, neglect or worse at the hands of foster homes or adoptive homes that you were placed in. I am sorry. If no one listened, no one cared or came to the rescue. I am so sorry. Our system failed you. I wish there were a way to make it up to you, to go back and erase the damage. To protect you and listen to you and make sure that your life was valued.

As adoptive parents and human beings we are subject to error. Forgive us for thinking that keeping secrets from you was a way of protecting you. For the times we told your story to a complete stranger, I am sorry. For the times that you were introduced to a crowd as the "foster child" or the "adopted daughter/son", please forgive us. For all the times when you wanted to talk, know more about your story or just cry and we did not support you, I am sorry. When we tried to pretend you did not have a past, a birth family or desires of your very own.......for this please forgive us. We are sorry for taking you out of your culture and not allowing you to connect in some way to the people, places and things that make you the valuable blessing that you are. I am sorry that we kept you from your legal right to know who you are and where you came from as a society.

I know that sorry does not fix things. It cannot change the past. I just want you to know that you are valuable, destined by God, not a mistake and that you are loved by a mighty Creator. As an adoptive mother, I try to learn from the mistakes of the past by society and parents of the past, so that I can give my children everything they need to be confident, loving and free individuals.

I ask forgiveness on behalf of your parents and foster parents who thought they were doing the right thing. For those that thought that not telling you was a good idea or those that thought "not seeing color" was a good thing when it was your beautiful color that made you uniquely you. They say when you know better, you do better. It is my prayer that as a society and adoptive families we change our perception and practices regarding your lives and how we handle them with care.

If no one has said it lately, I love you! You know what else, your parents love you too, they just did not know better. Thank you for pardoning our shortcomings!

Family by Design BLOG- An Agent of Healing

1/18/2013 2:28:00 PM

I have 3 beautiful, intelligent, lively children that I adopted 7 years ago. Very soon, I will be doing it again. We will be welcoming 3 more into our family this year! Two of my children were older and one was an infant. At the time, we knew that adoption alone would cause us to have to address issues that would arise over the years regarding their past, bio family, feelings about their story and more. This never scared us away from adding to our family. We were ready to love, nurture and deal with anything that came our way because we loved them.

I remember having a conversation with a friend a while back. When a person is not familiar with adoption or foster care, many times you can not hold them responsible for some of the comments or questions that they ask. With that said, I was taken aback by her response when I mentioned the average age of children waiting for a home both in foster care and in many orphanages. She said, " I would never adopt a child that was not a baby...the older they are, the more they are set in their ways." SET IN THEIR WAYS! This conversation was over at that point because I did not feel we were in the right place at the right time to educate or enlighten her further regarding these precious children that I have become an advocate for.

IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT

I refused to be angry with her. How did she know that statement was loaded and unfair? It was like saying that an older child was in foster care because of some fault of their own. As if there was something they did that caused their situation. This could not be further from the truth. A child who has been seperated from their family and placed in the custody of the state foster system is there because of abuse, neglect, substance abuse or the imprisonment of their parents.

SET IN THEIR WAYS!

We all have "ways". Our "ways" are developed through life experiences, relationships and circumstances that are in and out of our control. Most of our ways are not harmful to others and we look at them as "pet peeves", habits or "issues". We work on them, set goals or sometimes just live with them. We have "ways".

A child in foster care or in an orphanage that has experienced seperation from everything familiar, suffered abuse, neglect or abandonment has "ways" as well. Many times, their "ways" are developed at the hands of someone else. Their "ways" become a protective mechanism to shield and protect themselves from more harm. Many times those "ways" can cause problems in relating to others, showing maturity or acting out. Acting out in ways that can be disruptive to those around them.

So yes, they may be "set in their ways". However, those "ways" do not have to define them for the rest of their lives. With help, love and a lot of persistence they can have the life they dream of like anyone else.

BEING AN AGENT OF HEALING

As foster and adoptive parents, it is our job to not add to the trauma our children have already experienced. To protect and nurture them right where they are. It is our job to be agents of healing. Whatever, whenever and however the need arises we must be commited to walking with them through it all. Does that mean that every child that has been in foster care has lots of issues? No. Some have more than others and may need more help than others. That does not mean that they are any less desirable or deserving of a family and enjoyable life. It simply means they are human. When you make a commitment to a child.....you are there no matter what! Being "set in their ways" is not a deterent for me or for 1000's of other families that are willing to love and be an agent of healing for these precious children.

The joy and wonder I have experienced as my childrens' forever mommy FAR outweigh anything that we have had to work through. I don't mind being an agent of healing or just plain mom!!!

Family by Design BLOG- Book Review "Until We All Come Home"

11/12/2012 3:12:00 PM

"Until We All Come Home"

Book Review & Giveaway

I had the privilege of being on the Book Launch Team for this amazing adoption memoir. I cannot tell you what an awesome experience it has been for me to get to know the author, her story and her passion to see the lives of orphans changed around the world.

Why THIS child?

Many people witnessing Kim de Blecourt's family during their adoption story may ask the question, "Why THIS child?" It is hard for others to experience such adversity and still remain steadfast in their pursuit of one boy on the other side of the world. Aren't their other children she could have adopted in the Ukraine, other countries or even the U.S.? Why? Only his mother can explain in this book that will take you on a ride of true love and sacrifice you would only do for someone you love.

Perspective is EVERYTHING in Adoption!

I have adopted myself 3 times and I am in the process of 3 more very soon. I understand the unknowns, need for patience and nail biting decisions that have to be made for the best interest of your children. Let me tell you! This book gives you so much perspective on sacrifice and how far a person is willing to go to bring their child home. YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD A STORY LIKE THIS ONE! After reading this story you will be intrigued, compassionate and filled with appreciation. I have complained for the last time about my adoptions, the time it took and the small hurdles we had to overcome after reading this story and witnessing a true mother's heart for her son.

WARNING! You WILL NOT be able to put this book down!

You definitely want to set aside time to read this book. It is not a "read a chapter a day" for a couple weeks kind of book. The story takes so many twists, turns and over so many mountains that you cannot put it down because you MUST know what happens next. You will be in disbelief of what you are experiencing. My emotions went on a complete road trip along with Kim's experience throughout the book. She takes you through every single valley, hurdle, victory and ultimate triumph from page 1 until the end. This IS YOUR NEW FAVORITE BOOK!

BOOK GIVEAWAY

Respond to this book review in the comments section and enter to win a FREE copy of this awesome book. Requirements: Share the BRIEF version of your adoption story (current or past) and a major hurdle you overcame in the process. Each response will be entered to win Kim's book!

Family by Design BLOG- Blessings for ADOPTEES

10/15/2012 2:57:00 PM

Blessings for ADOPTEES

Many try to understand what is like to grow up in foster care or as an adoptee. They say you should be grateful or you were rescued. Doesn't quite sit right with you does it? Well, there are many people who do understand and who have overcome many obstacles and make it their mission to help others do the same. Sit back, relax and enjoy these podcasts with Karla and a collection of motivated, successful and compassionate adoptees and foster alumni that "get it"!

Derek Clark is a true pit to palace story! He spent 13 years in foster care, obsessed with violence and was declared mentally retarded. He now proves the statistics wrong as he motivates and inspires foster youth, foster parents and business leaders around the nation!

http://toginet.com/podcasts/familybydesign/FamilyByDesignLIVE_2011-09-20.mp3?type=podpage

Karla interviews Lucas Boyce, who is an adoptee, author, speaker and executive for the Orlando Magic. Lucas shares his triumphant story of foster care, adoption and the mother who changed his life. His career from the White House to executive leadership of an NBA team is an absolute inspiration. This is a show for all touched by foster care & adoption.

http://toginet.com/podcasts/familybydesign/FamilyByDesignLIVE_2011-12-13.mp3?type=podpage

Karla discusses issues pertaining to the adoptee with 3 great ladies. They share great adoptive parenting tips for parents from the perspective of the child/adoptee and help parents raise confident and well-adjusted children.

http://toginet.com/podcasts/familybydesign/FamilyByDesignLIVE_2011-11-08.mp3?type=podpage

This show is a fantastic account of Kevin Hofmann's life, the author of "Growing Up Black IN White". Kevin shares his unique perspective as a trans-racial adoptee. He helps the adoptive parent understand how to raise a child of another cultural background. Great show!

http://toginet.com/podcasts/familybydesign/FamilyByDesignLIVE_2011-08-09.mp3?type=podpage

Karla has a candid discussion regarding adoptive parenting with 2 very wise adult adoptees. They will share their stories, triumphs and tips that can help current adoptive parents succeed and raise confident, well-adjusted children!

http://toginet.com/podcasts/familybydesign/FamilyByDesignLIVE_2011-11-15.mp3?type=podpage

Karla speaks with Reco Spencer, who grew up in foster care, faced homelessness, drugs and a very questionable future. He shares candidly about the life he experienced and the passion he has now to mentor and lead youth aging out of foster care. This is an eye opening and illuminating show. Learn how you can make a difference as well!

http://toginet.com/podcasts/familybydesign/FamilyByDesignLIVE_2011-10-11.mp3?type=podpage

Join Karla and Jean Strauss as they discuss search and reunion for adoptees, birth families and adoptive parents. We will share what you need to know and how you need to pursue such a journey. Great show to inform, inspire and prepare you for the journey ahead!

http://toginet.com/podcasts/familybydesign/FamilyByDesignLIVE_2012-02-07.mp3?type=podpage